• Valérie Gillet

Smoking/No Smoking


Sometimes I miss smoking.


I used to be a very heavy smoker.


From 17 to 27, I smoked one or two packs a day. Every damn day.


And I loved it.


I wasn't a social smoker, a party smoker, an after dinner smoker, a when I'm stressed smoker.


I was an all the time smoker. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last when I went to bed.


Then I got pregnant and I had to quit cold turkey. It was horrible. I hated it.


So a couple of years later, when my husband left me, the first thing I did was buy a pack of cigarettes.


Six months later, I thought, well, it's all chaos around me right now, but there's one thing I can control. The next day I bought patches and 3 months later I was nicotine free.


I've never touched a cigarette since then. It's been almost 13 years. Two years after I quit, my mom passed from throat cancer. She had been smoking two packs a day since she was 14.


So obviously, my decision to quit smoking was excellent.


But sometimes, not often though, I miss smoking. I miss the person I was when I took it up: young, free, careless, fearless, unburdened.


My cigarette-free me is my adult, responsible, sensible self.


She's a bit of a bore but she manages to show up for me whenever I really need a ride back to reality.


She's the one telling me to be at my desk every morning when I could just go back to bed after I take my son to school.


She's not the fun one, but she's actually kept me, my family and my business afloat for all those years.


So although sometimes I miss not having to be reasonable at all times, I'm actually starting to like non-smoker me more than fun smoker me.


Plus I can't stand the smell of cig smoke anymore. So that's that.


But damn, I miss smoking sometimes...

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